If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
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