I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
