went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
