i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
