Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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