On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
