I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize