well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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