He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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