Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
They have beer where we have blood.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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