onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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