I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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