I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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