Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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