Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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