I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
