I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
