I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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