my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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