ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
