Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
