there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
