remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
