This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
