It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
