I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
