So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
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