i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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