There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
