i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
