i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
