"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
