You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
We had sex on a dog bed..
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
