the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
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