My Higher Power is John Stamos
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
