dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
