the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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