he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
