Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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