U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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