So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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