my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
A+ Viking dick
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