He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
