I just gift wrapped bread.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
