my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Randomize
