Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
