Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
