Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
be right there i have to get my cape
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
