....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I will pee on everything he values.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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