just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Randomize
