It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
