erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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