Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
