nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
