So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
