I showed him my bush... on skype.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
